look! i’m alive! 12/01/2009

there has been so much going on that sometimes i wonder if one of these days i’m just going to forget to breathe.   that would really put a damper on things…..

There are only two weeks left in this semester, and I honestly couldn’t be more thankful to be more than halfway through the program.   I still have what feels like a ton of work to do- three more papers and one presentation- but thankfully those papers serve as our final exams.   My practicum is going well- I have made some good connections with the kiddos I work with.  Most surprising to me has been that I get along famously with 4th and 5th grade boys…not exactly the population I would have guessed I would connect with!

 

Thanksgiving was a refreshing week for me- I did have class Monday, but the rest of the week was completely open.  I spent some of my time alone (reading, watching movies, writing) and I spent some of my time with some of the most amazing people on the planet (its true).  I wish every holiday week was so relaxing and refreshing….I think this is one of the first times I’ve ever felt that way about a “big” holiday!

 

there is sooo much more going on than I really have time (or energy) to write about, so for now, this short little post will have to do.   Wishing you all the best throughout the holiday season!

 

you know, just in case I forget to write for another month.

 

namaste, friends.

friends…. 11/08/2009

once again, it has been far too long since i’ve posted.  i find myself in a situation all to familiar to me- i NEED to sit down and write a paper (or two, or three) for grad school, but find my brain wanting to focus on everything else in the entire universe, and find my blog pulled up on my computer screen.

 

a few weeks ago, the band waterdeep played in wichita.  i wasn’t able to attend the concert, but i did break out an old cd and listened to it for a few days.  the music and lyrics have always struck me as being incredibly honest and meaningful, but the absolute BEST thing about waterdeep is that it reminds me  of sleepovers in andover, listening to 18 bullet holes (and maybe a few rebecca st. james songs) on repeat and talking about the things in life that really mattered.

 

and now, it reminds me of how incredibly blessed i have been to have such amazing friends.

 

i don’t just mean one or two….. i have literally been surrounded (starting in elementary school) by girls (now women) who have demonstrated more love and support for me than i could have ever imagined possible.  though we no longer live in the same cities, and we no longer spend every single day together, i can honestly say that i am still ridiculously blessed by these friendships.

 

here’s to you: megs, heather, ashley, annie, lis, tinac, izzy, susie, linds and daya ~ i love you gals!

blessed 10/29/2009

last night after i finished my workout, i had a few minutes to talk to a friend who happened to be there at the same time.   it was one of those incredibly short conversations (we’re talking under 10 minutes) with a lot of information crammed into it and that you walk away from thinking about all the good things in life and how blessed you are. 

 

sometimes (more often than not) it’s really hard for me to see how wonderfully blessed i have been.   it’s so much easier to focus on the negative: how boring my classes are, how i don’t see certain people often enough, how tired i am of being alone…

 

today, however i’m choosing this:  i have been blessed by the opportunity to expand my knowledge and earn a master’s degree, i have been blessed by a life full of amazing friendships, i have been blessed with the gift of time to figure out who i am…. i have been blessed.

i hate coming up with titles… 10/23/2009

hello dear friends!

 

if you have been reading my blog lately, i’m sure you have noticed that things have been stressful around here.   there’s really no benefit to sharing the specifics of the situation, so i’m not going to do that.   but i will say that it has been a powerful reminder of how easily we lash out at others (in an effort to protect ourselves and/or our friends), and how draining that is on us. it would be impossible to truly express how relieved i am that all of the drama is over.  

 

i feel like there are a zillion things to update everyone on, but i really cannot think of what those zillion things are!   grad school is, well, grad school.   i think i would enjoy it much more if the classes were taught a bit differently- i don’t thrive in situations where i am required to sit still and listen for hours on end (anyone surprised by that one???).  and while i am ridiculously shy when i meet new people (meaning the first few weeks of school), i am at the point now where interactions would be comfortable and i would be willing to share personal information…and yet we are STILL just sitting around listening to lectures and occassionally discussing.    i think i need a more interactive environment- even though i would hate it at first i am positive i would learn more.    so far i am doing well in my classes- good grades on my assignments…decent attendance (yes, you read that correctly).  i also learned the other day that we are officially 1/4 of the way through the program- yay!!!

 

still needing to find time to work on the bedroom…starting to consider buying a space heater so i can be warm at night until the room is done and i can sleep under my amazing HEATED ceiling fan…. definitely wishing i had the money to just pay someone to come over and do it so it could just be done.  sadly, i do not.   

 

ok, well, it’s time to actually get some work done….these kids won’t therapize themselves…..

 

namaste!

on vulnerability 10/15/2009

Once upon a time, in a distant land, I wrote a blog about some very personal struggles of mine.   Of course, once I felt that the appropriate amount of people had read what I had to say, I deleted that post, thinking I would never have any other use for it.  The last few days, however, I have searched high and low (on my computer and the interwebs) hoping that I had saved that post somewhere because there are new people in my life who may find that information helpful or, at the very least, interesting.  No such luck, however, and to be 100% honest, I’m not entirely sure I have the energy required to write about something so incredibly personal that permeates through my life (again).  Sorry new friends, you’ll just have to ask me about it sometime. 

 

I am bringing all of this up because the issues from my past decided to slap me right across the face earlier this week.  There was a traumatic(or even remotely bad) situation, and nothing specific threw me into a tailspin, but that’s where I ended up.  My peaceful, well-balanced world began to crumble, and although I knew (in my head) that the thoughts I was having were irrational and unfounded, I was having a great deal of trouble believing any different (in my heart).    Lucky for me, I have friends who not only call me on my crap when I start with the negative self-talk, but who also allow me to sort through my emotions- even when it means I am a little “witchier” than normal.  

 

This entire situation has caused me to stop and think about some stuff, namely being real/genuine/vulnerable/open with the people in our lives.  Though it felt like the worst thing in the entire world to me when I wrote about my “demons,”  so many amazing things happened as a result.  When I allowed others to see me without any masks, they started removing their own.   The result?  Deeper and more meaningful friendships, and an incredible amount of support.   Definitely worth being uncomfortable for a few minutes!

 

I didn’t write about my issues today because it is VERY difficult write about~ the permanence and publicness (is that a word?) of blogging means the words have to be perfect (not always, but for something that permeates my life, they need to be).  I’m more than willing to share with you on an individual basis, however, so if you are interested in my story, just let me know.  

 

Namaste.

sleep 10/06/2009

Turns out that the hour of sleep that happens between 4 and 5 AM is incredibly important to me.   I didn’t quite get that hour this morning.   Hello, grumpy!

life’s happenings… 10/04/2009

I recently (as in, just now) decided that blogging is more fun than writing papers for grad school.   Hard to believe, isn’t it?

There’s really not too much on my mind right now~ I guess I need more coffee before I l blog!  Actually, I was just thinking the other day that even though there are goals that I am totally not working on (when was the last time I went to the gym?), I feel much more balanced than I have in quite some time.   Instead of allowing myself to get all pissy because I didn’t get a full workout in or because I ate something that was less-than-healthy, I have been making connections with people over coffee and dinner and tea, and yes, even alcoholic beverages.   I honestly can’t remember feeling this balanced (specifically in terms of working out/relaxing) any time, well, ever.   There have been times when exercise wasn’t a big part of my life (but the lack there-of was), and then the complete opposite, when I literally lived in sweatpants and was always at the gym (college).   I’m definitely not reaching my goals as quickly as I had hoped, but I will admit that this is much more fun than spending every waking moment at the gym…

Other things going on?  I REALLY need to get the bedroom painted/decorated.   It is starting to get cold (I’m wearing sweats, wrapped in a blanket and sporting arm warmers right now), and I am ridiculously excited about having a HEATED ceiling fan to keep my bedroom from freezing.   So, uh, if any of you want to paint a room or help me hang shelves/window treatments/decorate in general…..just let me know!

I’ve also been half-heartedly doing the artists way stuff…I’ve gotten really good at doing my “morning pages” (3 pages of free-association writing in the morning to help you let your creativity out), but I haven’t done ANY of the other things I’ve been supposed to be doing.   I think it’s because most of them are about spending time by yourself exploring interests, and, well, I kind of feel like the majority of my time right now is doing just that.   I’m gonna try again this week- wish me luck!

Well, I had probably better get back to “writing for points” instead of “writing for me.”  Ugh.  

Namaste, Friends.

future plans? 10/01/2009

So here I am….. grad school in full swing, when all of a sudden I actually feel like I know what I want to do with my life.  That’s a pretty fantastic feeling, except for the part where I am not exactly going to school for the right thing.  Can’t be too bitter, though, because I may not have figured out what I should be doing with my life any other way.

Don’t worry, I’m not TOO far off….just a little directionally challenged.  And we all know how good I am with directions….

So here’s the story:  Over the summer I did quite a bit of reading about art therapists and how art therapy works and I was pretty intrigued.  I decided that since I had already begun working on my MSW that I would stick with it (not to mention that at this point in time it was just somewhat interesting).  I’ve read one or two articles on art therapy this fall as well, and as a result, my interest has grown.  But NOTHING prepared me for what happened earlier this week.

During my first class of the week, a guest speaker did a presentation on expressive arts therapy.  Sounds cool enough…..I knew from that phrase that she would mention art therapy, so my listening ears were on.   I did not know, however, that there are actual programs that train you to do intermodal arts therapy- yes, INTERMODAL.  Meaning art, music, movement, drama, writing, etc- TOGETHER.  AS THERAPY.   And holy crap, I’d be lying if that doesn’t sound like a job I would have made up in my own head because it would be the BEST JOB EVER.

I’m going to go ahead and finish my MSW and probably even go ahead and get a real job when I graduate.  But I’m also probably going to take a pretty serious look at the list of schools offering programs in expressive arts therapy.  I’ll keep you posted!

Namaste.

blessings 09/27/2009

Because it is Sunday afternoon and I am trying my hardest to procrastinate, I thought I’d give you all an update on my life (get excited!).  I was planning to include a bunch of pictures from recent happenings, but for some reason my computer and/or phone is cracked out right now and I can’t sync them the fast way.   I would do it the slow way, but I really just don’t have the patience for that tedious work!  Since I can’t post the pictures, let me just describe them to you….

haha, just kidding.  How about a run-through of recent events instead?

Ava’s bday party and bounce house, new amazing friends, lemon cake fail, birthday flowers, dinner with two of the most amazing girls on the planet, a wonderful afternoon at the park with three more of the most amazing girls on the planet, new tattoo, lots of coffee, the zoo, art museum, late nights with friends, and puppies.

It has been really easy to feel sad lately, but looking at this list I think I need to take a deep breath and acknowledge that life is good.

Namaste, friends.

deployments suck. 09/23/2009

If you have never experienced the deployment of a spouse, some of this is going to sound insane.  I don’t expect you to understand it, or even pretend to understand it.   But if you have never been in this situation, you have absolutely no right to judge me or anything that I am about to share with you.

When they first leave, your world is turned upside down.  You forget to do simple things like change the laundry because they always did it.   You see something funny or interesting and you want to share it with them right then.   Everything feels lonely and horrible and it just sucks.   A few months later, you start to pick up the pieces again, and move on.  You carve out your own path- start hanging out with people, trying new things, getting used to the situation.   You finally remember that you started laundry and THERE IS NOBODY ELSE TO DO IT and you start to be pretty self-sufficient.   You are more comfortable with the situation- you turn to your friends (whoever they may be) for support (because you cannot always turn to your spouse)… you explore your own interests… you get used to doing it all on your own.

And now for the part that sounds really horrible, unless you’ve experienced it.

The final stages of deployment are… interesting, to say the least.   As much as you want them to come home (desperately), it’s a really scary thing to reunite after being apart from so long.  Not only do both people (inevitably) change over the course of a year, but you have one person who has been gone and is expecting life to be the same when they get back, and you have the person who has been home and had to adjust (read: change) pretty much everything in order to make it work.   Each person develops their own interests, coping mechanisms, and friends, and you hope those things fit together the way that they did before the deployment. There’s also the nagging, unspoken fear (which exists throughout the entire deployment) that they may not make it back (regardless of their job), which (at least for me) makes it all too easy to put up little mini walls.  In some ways the return feels like the scariest part of deployment: will I be the person they are expecting me to be?  What if they don’t like who I’ve become?  What if I don’t like who they’ve become?  What if we are too different?   How long will it take for things to go back to the way they used to be?  Will they go back to the way they used to be?  What if … What if…. What if …. .